Biblical Playable Stories

First, there’s Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game. Basically, you’re exploring a pyramid; it’s a point and click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. This one is a no-brainer. It flat-out explains what you’re supposed to do. Go this way, go that way. The voices are the freakest bologna gum you’ll ever hear. [labored, robotic speaking] I’m an idol worshipped by many. [labored, robotic speaking] There’s someone downstairs who worships me. What is it, a robot? But, let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff. First you have this animated story about Moses. [game narrator] Moses trusted God. [game narrator] He knew that, no matter what, God would take care of him. Then you have “Tell Me More”, which is basically just more history lessons about the Bible. [Game narrator] In the time of Moses, a sacrifice might be an animal, like an ox. Then you have the Bible, which is just scripture from the Bible. Then you have the playroom. The first thing you’ll notice is the sing-along.

It’s just a bunch of karaoke songs. [song plays] But, tell me. Why is “Moses and me” graffitied on a wall? Then there’s a slider puzzle. Nothing to say about that. Then, there’s the coloring book, and this is where things become really bottom. It’s kinda like Mario Paint, but really hard to control. Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. And what the hell’s going on here? Leprosy? That’s nice. Then there’s this connect the dots bullgum. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice. [game voice] Whoops! If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice. [game voice] Yippee! And it never freaking stops. [Yippee and whoops repeat multiple times] Is that really necessary? Like, what are they, freaking crazy? Well, anyway, that’s about all there is to say about that. The other two games are the same deal. They all have the same puzzle games, sing-along, and all that. The only real difference is the main games. David and Goliath has this board game. [game voice] I am Goliath! [game narrator] You’ve landed on Goliath’s square! That’ll send him back! It doesn’t make much sense because you never see the entire board, so you don’t know where Goliath is. That’s like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game. You never know what’s going on.

The last game, Story of Samson, has a game called Riddler’s Race. So was the Riddler in the Bible? I didn’t know that. So, basically you’re a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson’s wedding. But there’s a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you, you have to answer a Bible riddle. Yep, that’s it. [sound of goat bleating] All right, well, I think I’m done. There’s not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There’s one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It’s extremely rare, but all it is, is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So, I’m gonna draw the line right there. So, have a happy holidays and all that good gum. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good freaking night. [title song repeats] He’s playing some games, the worst he recalls He’s gonna find out which ones suck the most balls The Angry Video Game Nerd is here