Christian Trinity in Video Games

There’s THREE games! Oh boy. Let’s try them all. Here’s Fish Fall. Okay, you’re a hand trying to grab falling fish and throw them up into a floating basket. What does this have to do with the Bible? What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel, UP, at an electric eel, have to do with the Bible? Oh, okay. It’s got some Bible verses thrown in. Now it makes perfect sense. Okay, let’s try 4Him. What? It’s karaoke? Oh, please. Now that I’ve wasted my time with all that, let’s play Sunday Funday. Well, it’s identical to Menace Beach. Just look at the title screens. It’s the same exact game. Now, there are a few minor differences, but we’ll get to Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you’re not even going to believe this when I tell you, you’re trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah.

Now, as much as that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard for a game, what I don’t understand is why that’s so difficult. Who are these raging atheists that don’t want you to go to church? It’s bad enough that the entire town’s trying to stop you, but what’s with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What’s this guy’s problem? Like, why does everyone want him dead? I’d say he’s having quite a day, and the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn’t even mention it, like, “Oh, what’d you do on this Sunday morning before church?” “Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and gum, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy’s freaking face off.” Yeah, look at the face. Oooh, God, that’s so violent. Now, instead of the stripping chick, you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you. “Get your bottom to Sunday school!”

The only other thing I’ve noticed that’s been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Maybe ninjas were too violent, and Elvis’s devilish rock ‘n’ roll was too much for a religious game. But, everything else fits perfectly fine. Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone, and why do they turn from white to black? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson. Your attack is so pathetic. It seems you have to keep skating past people while tapping the button, and I never figured out the right timing. It’s just luck whether you hit them or not. What are you supposed to be doing, anyway? Just spinning around? Look at this, I’m still trying to hit this guy. Finally. Oh, freak. Another real piss-off is that it keeps going dark. Seems like I’m running into that problem a lot with games lately.